I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize