My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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