I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
