ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
