Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize
