Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
