First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
