So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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