I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Found your dick twin last night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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