I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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