Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
