Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
