So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
