I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Randomize
