My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
