wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
