I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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