I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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