You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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