I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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