I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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