She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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