you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
