This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So. Much. Porn.
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