Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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