I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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