I faked an abortion last night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
