I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
