you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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