I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
