Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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