You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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