He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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