I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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