No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
