Fine. I'll sleep in my office
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
