I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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