my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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