She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
