Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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