planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
