6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
