I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I want her autograph on my taint
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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