There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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