Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's shark week go big or go home
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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