I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
