she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
