$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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