i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
