You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize