I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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