The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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