Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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