I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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