Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
