You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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