the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize