Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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