he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
