Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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