Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
