I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
